Mann's Generation, Data's New Cat
by A. Mann
Summary: Set in Season 4, Mann has the joy of meeting Spot, as well as several heart attacks, and suffering the wrath of Data.


Star Trek

**Mann's Generation**

_**Data's new Cat, Season 4**_

Captain's Log, I've just come back from France and brawling with my brother and his annoying little child. I'm glad to be me again, I got quite sick of tight black clothing or whatever the Borg call it. I'm glad Riker stood by, and allowed Troi to conduct supervised visits, or my head would be crazy... I WILL MAKE THEM PAY! FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE! ...Oops, excuse me...

* * *

On the Bridge everyone is at their station, except Wesley, and Mann is at the helm. The ship is still in dock at McKinley Station.

Picard: Mr Man, take…

Mann: Captain, even Locutus knew how to say Mann.

A book appears from no where and hits Mann on the back of the head.

Mann: Point taken. Unclamping…one quarter impulse.

Riker: Now free Captain.

Picard: Mr Mann, go to warp one as soon as we clear the planet, set course for Vulcan.

Mann: Vulcania?

Picard: Maybe in the old days.

Comm: Volcanai?

Picard: Shut up Wesley…'s mother. I miss Pulaski. Mmm, yah, her hair went so curly...

Everyone stares at Picard...

* * *

Later in Ten Forward Mann is sitting at a table playing 3-D chess with Data.

Mann: Yoink, he's mine.

Data: Wesley often says that, what is the meaning?

Mann: I've taken one of your pieces. But, I suppose Wesley means something only Riker can explain.

Data: Processing… So Commander Riker, is…it all adds up. Commander Riker is non-womanable. He moves from woman to woman, never settling, and is happy to intimidate any male officer. He later befriends them. I believe Commander Riker…

Mann: Is right behind you!

Data: Hm.

Ensign Mm walks by: Mm actually.

* * *

Later Picard is walking down to Ten Forward, Data's head suddenly smashes through the nearby wall sideways.

Data nods

Picard: Data?

Data: Yes Sir?

Picard: Figured out Riker?

Data: Yes Sir.

Picard: Carry on.

Data's head suddenly goes back through the wall.

* * *

In sickbay later, Crusher and Alyssa are standing by the main bed, and Mann is sitting on it.

Crusher: Well, it's fine.

Mann: All normal?

Crusher: It's normal sized.

Mann: Good, now Riker can never say I have no brain!

Wesley runs in.

Mann: Euuuurch!

Wesley: That man stole my job.

Mann: Mann actually.

Wesley: Thought anymore?

Crusher: You are NOT having a gender reassignment!

Alyssa: Yeah, enough menn on this ship already.

Mann: Do I need to keep saying it? Mann has two Ns, men has one.

Alyssa: I'll scan Wesley with my tricorder and compare with normal ones.

She starts scanning but then the tricorder explodes.

Wesley: I knew it, my brain's too perfect.

Mann sneakily picks up a hypospray and is about to jab Wesley when Data walks in.

Mann: Data!

Wesley: Data?

Data confirming: Data.

Crusher: Data…

Alyssa: Data get it over with!

Data: Spot?

Crusher: All clear, I let your new cat out for a run but it ran off. I tried to track it but I haven't programmed it's readings into the computer yet.

Mann taps his badge

Mann: Acting Lieutenant Mann to all hands, a cat is on the loose.

The red alert lights start flashing.

* * *

In the Ready Room Picard is sitting at the desk with a report PADD.

Comm: Riker to Picard, we have a problem.

Picard looks up.

* * *

Later everyone is sitting in the observation lounge (Mann, Wesley, Data, Picard, Worf, Crusher, Riker, Geordi, Troi for some reason, Guinan also).

Picard: The cat.

Riker: Evacuate the ship, and spread neuroxine gas through the ship.

Geordi: If we can… (Stands and walks over to the screen while using hand gestures as he always does) inverse the warp field…

Data: That would decrease outer friction by destroying the ship and would fracture every single containment field allowing hazardous materials to mix, and crewmembers without names to die, however it will not help me find Spot.

Worf: Let me go down there, I'll stalk it, shoot it, skin it, and cook it for you.

Crusher: We should tie Wesley to a spit and set fire to him.

Picard: And lure in a hungry kitten?

Crusher: What kitten? Well either way.

Wesley: We should offer it a promotion. Then offer me one.

Mann: Get stuffed. In fact, don't. We should put some bin bags, filled by the way, or even some untainted cat milk, under a net. Then when Spot comes, we drop the net.

Guinan: Then kill the cat or then stuff Wesley with it? Anyway for Spot, and anyone else, I'm not going to de-alcoholise the milk supply.

Picard: So that's why there are so many God damned children running around on my ship like spoiled brats and wild animals!

Riker: I think Troi and I should take a shuttle out of here.

Guinan: How will that stop Spot?

Riker: How should I know?

Troi: I could use my telepathic awareness to locate it. I had a Betazoid kitten once, I reacted well with it.

Riker: I certainly did. (looks smug, folds arms)

Troi: Not you, a real kitten. You're more like a walrus.

Picard: Riker! Set Mann's plan in action!

Riker leaves.

Everyone else sniggers at him.

* * *

Later outside Data's room, five bin bags sit in a bunch, a net hangs from the ceiling. Mann hides behind a cargo crate with a phaser rifle. Picard is also there with a jungle outfit on.

Mann: Here it comes.

Spot runs up and dives into the bin bags.

Picard tries to bring the net down but it doesn't fall. Mann shoots the bin bags and vapourises them.

Data comes out of his quarters.

Data: You cannot stun my cat.

Mann: Watch me.

PHZZZZZHHHH

Data: You can stun my cat.

Mann: Ok.

PHZZZZZHHHH

Data: Come along Spot.

He picks up the cat and goes back inside.

Picard: Since I'm dressed for it, do you feel like going hunting?

Mann: For what?

Picard: Dinner. Wesley, whatever…

* * *

In Ten Forward later, Guinan is confused as when the replicator makes food, she will blink and it will disappear. She then watches and notices a harpoon on a rope. She turns to see Picard and Mann enjoying a banquet.

* * *

A session with Counselor Troi. Troi is in her chair, the patient is on the couch.

Troi: So, how are you adjusting?

Data: I have a cat.

Troi: What emotions are you imitating?

Data: Love, pride, and what Mann describes as 'damn irritating robotism'.

Muffled voice: Not with my damn Counselor!

Data: I will be honest. I have known about Commander Riker's spying on your sessions, what he does not know until now is that I have programmed an electrical charge to run down all walls on the port side of the ship.

Muffled voice: What the? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! That hurt. I'm gonna go to sickbay and get some ass cream for this.

Troi: Mann once put a mouse trap in that hidey hole of Riker's.

Data: Spot is behaving as a cat does, destroying my possessions, and befouling my carpets. Spot is also jumping up on my console and disrupting my work.

Comm, angry voice: Data, Picard to Data! Answer now Mister Data!

Data: Go ahead Captain.

Picard: Your damn cat has escaped your quarters and is ripping up my refuse containers!

Data: Your bin bags?

Picard: Not anymore they aren't!

Data: This is another problem I have Counselor.

Troi: You will have to train Spot.

Data: I will consult several texts on the following subjects…

Picard: DATA!

Data: …after I assist the Captain… and do Mann's laundry, and clean mildew off of Geordi's visor.

Comm: Riker to Data! Your cat just attacked my bin bags!

Data: And also assist the Commander.

* * *

Captain's Log supplemental, Data's new cat is a pain in the backside…

Riker: Literally!

Picard: The Enterprise will have to adjust to Spot, like a phaser has to adjust to a setting, before it explodes energy at its target and blows it to pieces! Which Data will have to clean up. Why a cat? …At least we have no birds aboard but my fis…FISH!

Pinky: Jean Luc! Help me!

Picard runs into his Ready Room from the bridge and picks up Spot before he/she can get in the tank, he then flings Spot at the wall.

Data comes in, removes Spot, and Picard calms the fish.

Picard: Why do you have a African American spoof accent?

Pinky: I'm a fish!

Picard: Good point.

Pinky: Which one? I'm exotic Jean Luc. Covered in points… And, who is Livingston?

Picard: Never mind that… Say, would you like a promotion?

Pinky: I ain't in Starfleet.

Picard: I'll get you a new rock…

Pinky: Oooo…

Picard: And I'll promote Mann to full Lieutenant.

Mann from a distance: WOO HOO!

Picard shouts: How did you here me?

Mann: You left the door open.

* * *

Later everyone is in the observation lounge.

Muffled Picard: Thank you all for coming, I realise it was not the best idea to invite all one thousand and twenty crew members into one small room, in fact someone has their arm where it shouldn't be… I'll keep this short. I'm annoyed at the fooling around that happened in the last couple of days. I've discovered the reason is Wesley's new brand of cologne.

Muffled loud Mann: You mean Coleen!

Everyone laughs.

Muffled Picard: Yes. His new scent came from Afrodoor five, made entirely of flowers. As we know from the days of the first Enterprise…

Crewman: Oh not another old Enterprise mission…

Muffled Picard: …Flowers can do funny things to a man. Even a half-breed computer or whatever Kirk called Spock.

Muffled Mann: A Mann as well.

Muffled Picard: So we all go back to normal, I'm throwing Wesley into quarantine… Or just throwing him into the morgue.

Data: Spot hates morgues.

Riker and Mann: NOW YOU TELL ME!

* * *

Mann's Log, Wesley has been disposed of and everything does seem more serious. I've made a valuable friend in the last hour, Pinky. Expert on everything, he advised me to beware Spot.

* * *

Mann is in Data's quarters by the door.

Data is holding Spot and walks over to the replicator.

Spot makes hacking gestures.

Data: I understand your loathing of cats.

Mann: Well my mind is open. I just really hate them though.

Data: Hm, good. I will feed Spot, then we can perform the diagnostic for Commander LaForge.

Mann: Ok. BANG! And the mildew's gone.

Data: Feline supplement one three four seven.

A dish of brown appears in the replicator.

Mann: Yuck.

Data: I have assembled a wide variety of cat meals designed to improve Spot's energy, composure, and make her happy. She even makes sounds for certain meals.

Mann: Oh yeah, I do that...What's this one then?

Data: Poultry.

Data puts the dish and Spot on the floor.

Mann bends.

Mann: So Spot, what's that then?

Spot looks evilly at him and smiles.

Spot: Myow-myowww…

Mann's eyes bulge. He puts his hand on his chest.

Mann: GAAAAAK! Data! Get me out of here!

Data pushes Mann into the door.

Data: Sorry, I have locked it.

Data pushes buttons on the key pad.

Spot: MYOW-MYOWWW!

Mann: AAAAA! GAAAK! MY HEART!

Mann falls to the floor and tries to use his free hand to strangle Spot.

Data: MANN. YOU SHOULD NOT KILL MY CAT.

Mann: I'm having a heart attack you monster! Help me out!

Data: Hm… processing.

Mann: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SHE'S HACKING ME!

Data: You are a pet attacker, a monster, and I will punish you. You call Spot 'it' rather than he or she…

Mann: You processed wrong! Spot's tryna kill me!

Data: I will not help you.

Data picks up a nearby chair and hits Mann with it repeatedly.

Mann taps his badge…

* * *

On the bridge everyone is lazing around, Picard is reading a newspaper.

Comm: SOMEONE HELP ME! DATA'S TRYING TO KILL ME! I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!

Picard unphased: This is not the place for medical calls.

He carries on reading his paper.

* * *

In sickbay...

Comm: DOCTOR CRUSHER, HELP!

Sorry, this isn't the place for emergency calls.

* * *

Mann is being hacked and whacked in Data's quarters.

Mann: SOMEONE!

He is just about to fall unconscious.

Data: You have spilled blood on my carpet… Records show I should punish you for that also.

* * *

In the ready room, a spiky brown fish is in a tank gliding towards some pellets. He eats one, chews, swallows, smiles.

Pinky: Mmmmmmm! That was great.

Comm, urgent voice: Pinky! Help…

Pinky looks around.

Pinky: Hello? Who said that? JOOONNNNY!

Picard instantly runs in and over to the tank.

Picard: PINKY?

Pinky: Go and find Mann! He's in trouble!

Picard: Anything for you Pinky!

Picard runs out.

* * *

Mann is almost dead, and still being attacked.

Worf and some yellow shirted guards storm in and hold back the chair and try to hold back Spot.

Worf: Worf to transporter room… Nine, beam Mann to sickbay immediately.

Time passes

Worf: NOW!

* * *

In room nine, a really old man in a yellow uniform is at the console speaking really slowly…

Ensign Old: Just a minute sonny…

He unfolds glasses really slowly and slowly puts them on, then slowly operates the panel.

Ensign Old: Hm, pat…tern lock… hm… onl-ine…energising… oh dear. Lost the lock. Deery me… Drat…

He pushes buttons again, slowly…

Comm, Worf: NOW!

Ensign Old: I sa-id, just… a minute lieutenant Worf! Do you want it… done now… or do you… want it done …prop-er-ly?

The man pushes buttons.

Ensign Old: Lock… no, wrong life-form… re-lock… pattern… pat-tern… Oh dear, it's not like in my day… Oh dear, he's gone… I must have done it…

Comm: Worf to transporter nine, I carried him to sickbay myself.

Man: All, in a days work.

* * *

In sickbay Worf is by the door, Mann is being treated on the main bio bed by Crusher and Alyssa.

Comm, loud: CRAAACCCKKK!

Worf: What was that?

Comm, Ensign Old: Nothing, Lieuten-ant, it's just my spiiiiiiiine.

Worf: We have to get rid of him.

Crusher: WHAT SPECIES IS HE?

Worf: I don't know but I wish I could kill him.

Crusher: I mean Mann…

Worf: Same thing in a different set of circumstances…

* * *

Mann later covered in plasters is at the helm, everyone else is at their post.

Data: I am sorry Mann, my research was incorrect.

Mann: Don't worry about it.

Data: I cannot worry about it.

Mann: Ok, that's just plain cocky, when I get off duty and off pain killers, I'm gonna pull your head off and use it as a urinal! Just like Worf did with Ensign Old in transporter room nine.

Picard storms in from his ready room and sits in his chair.

Picard: Open a hailing frequency to Danukahshalbadosstupidname Four.

Worf: Open…

Broooow

-broooooooowwwwww….

Mann: THAT SOUND! !

Mann, loud, long: GAAAAK!

Picard: I do believe our dear man has a reaction to turkeys…

Mann: GAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKK!

Picard: But that sound…

Data: The hailing sound is similar to Spot's sounds for 'turkey food'.

Picard: Ah.

Mann, upset and in agony: Ow, you're breaking my heart Data…

Data: That is what the last helmsman said to me.

Picard: Close channel, and reopen ten!

Mann: Oh dear…

Broooow

-broooooooowwwwww….

Broooow

-broooooooowwwwww….

Broooow

-broooooooowwwwww….

Broooow

-broooooooowwwwww….

Broooow

-broooooooowwwwww….

Broooow

-broooooooowwwwww….

Broooow

-broooooooowwwwww….

Broooow

-broooooooowwwwww….

Broooow

-broooooooowwwwww….

Broooow

-broooooooowwwwww….

Mann, long: **GAAAAAKKKK!**

Picard: Ok, I'm bored now.

* * *

Later in Ten Forward Mann is talking to Guinan at a table.

Mann: I just don't get it. Why do they like to give me heart attacks? Why does Data's new cat hate me? Why do you never fill anyone's glass right to the top when you don't even charge money, so have nothing to lose by filling to the top?

Guinan: All good points man…

Mann: Mann actually.

Guinan: And I'd like to help you out, but I'm a date doctor, not a counselor. Now order something or get out of my bar.

* * *

Mann is later with Geordi in his workspace in Engineering.

Mann: Why is Data so cruel?

Geordi: I don't know…

Mann: Does that visor respond to verteron fields?

Geordi: Maybe… Why?

Mann: What about tachyon fields?

Geordi: I'm not sure…

Mann is messing with a tricorder, and a laser tool.

Mann: Magneton pulses?

Geordi: What is the point…?

FLASH

Geordi: I CAN'T SEE!

Passing Guy: Duh, what else is new?

* * *

Later Mann and Data are fixing a pipe in a Jefferies tube.

Mann: Well?

Data: I already apologised. I do not want you to urinate in my head piece.

Mann: I'll reconsider…hm. I'm still gonna do that.

Data: Please reconsider, you may be electrocuted.

Mann: What you and your cat did was unforgivable.

Data: Hm.

Mann: And I have another problem. There's severe damage to my heart already. Any more poultry jokes and I'll do more than pee in your head.

Data: Noted… Do you have any trouble with chickens?

Mann: Yes, they like to bite my hand.

Data: But that does not give you a heart attack?

Mann: No… it gives me a blood clot.

Data: Please pass me the hypersonic spanner.

Mann: It just occurred to me… I'm the head of navigation and helm. You are head of science and operations… So why are we fixing this thing? This is a job for people with no first names…

Data: Hm. A convincing argument.

He taps his badge.

Data: Operation Team one, report to my location and fix the pipe of miscellaneous purpose.

Mann: That's better, let Duffy, Jefferson, and McHowski fix it... now let's go eat puddings in Ten Forward.

* * *

In Ten Forward later, Mann and Data are at the bar eating chocolate sundaes.

Data: This is creating dangerously low temperatures in my head to neck sockets.

Mann: I know, I slipped some liquid nitrogen and cryonesium in there.

Data's head falls off.

Mann: Great, I'm bursting!

Picard storms in to see Mann relieving himself in Data's head.

Picard: DATA! YOUR HEAD! HOW DARE YOU PROMOTE THIS ACT OF INDECENCY! HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!

Data's body grabs his head off Mann and tips it. Picard looks down furiously at his wet shoe.

* * *

A session with Spot and turkey.

Mann: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKK!


End file.
